ive had enough

well i can add that one to the list can't i. i never know who to act around her and that can't be right, it just can't. i mean shes my mum. how can you spend so much time with one person but not really know them at all? it's not right. i mean i think i no her pretty well and then she turns around and does something compleatly unexpected and upsetting. i thought things were getting back on track, with everything not just me and her. but i was obviously wrong. again. i always am, i can never do anything right. she says we have good relationship and always says 'you can come and talk to me about anything'. i used to think i could, i used to look up to her so much, she was my idol and i wanted to be her, but now everything has changed. i'm scared to tell her stuff, anything infact, i can post it on here for the whole word to see, but can't go and talk to her, thats not right.

i no are relationship hasn't been the best recently. we don't talk to each other very much but i thought that i would still be able to go to her if i had a problem, but now i can't.

i never thought that i would say this seeing as how close we used to be, but i'm fricking scared to talk to my mum, i can't even look her in the eye. i want her to be there for me when i need her the most but i don't no if i can ever turn to her again without knowing she is judging me. argument after argument, and all it does is chip away at me, i fall further and further until theres only two people i can turn to. and i hope he knows who he is. she deffinatly does, i don't want to lose her but i'm gunna. and i swear to God i am never making the same mistake again by leaving him. x

is it good or bad?

saturday. two days away. i can't decide if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. my nan is coming round and i'm so excited to see her again, i haven't in so long. she moves to america in January. how weird is that? 14 years of her being here for me, she looks after me, she helps me if me and my mum are having an argument and she would never judge me, no matter what i do. Saturaday. i get my grandad's necklace, the only thing i have of his. i wasn't meant to have it until im 16 (its 18 carat gold, and it is soo special) but because she's leaving i get it now. i'm not sure weather or not to wear it. me and my grandad were so close, even if i was seven. he used to wear this necklace everyday, it was so strange if he wasn't wearing it and i don't want to break/lose it but at the same time i want to be close to him.

my nan said she is going to give me a box of things. she said that it's not a xmas present it's just something special that i deserve. i get pictures of when i was baby, pictures of me and my grandad, pictures of happy times when my family wasn't in different countries and were talking to each other. i get a bracelet, it was my great nans, i've never met her but everyone one who has been in her company for more than 30 minutes will say that she was an amazing woman and that she would be very proud of me. that makes me happy.

i wish things would just go back to normal. i wish my family was happy, i wish that i could talk to my family without getting the judging looks that will stay with me forever. i wish i could be a 14 year old girl who can look forward to coming home from school.